Baby Yoda Explains Christian Denominations

darkkazunedarkkazune (Posted by) Level 3
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Contributions from Jake Meador, Jon Askonas, Chris Krycho, Matthew Loftus, Christian Young, and John Shelton. Credit to Twitter users Jake Raabe and Woke Space Jesuit for some joke ideas.

Weird Baptist Twitter: Do not violate Baby Yoda’s soul freedom by baptizing him prior to his reaching the age of reason.

Baptist - Baptism - Symbol - One - Outward

Southern Baptist: Baptism is but a symbol, though an important one. Rather than being an outward and ordinary means of the force, or a seal and pledge of Jedi prophecies related to the chosen one, baptism is an act of obedience for expressing a galactic profession of faith.

Early Church: Baby Yoda should undertake a rigorous period of catechesis, then stay up all night praying the Easter Vigil and then strip down completely naked to renounce the works of darkness and be baptized while the sun rises on Easter Sunday.

Assemblies - God - Yoda - Water - Signs

Assemblies of God: Baptizing Yoda with water is important but we should also pray that he will show signs of baptism by the Force and speak in tongues (other than Galactic Base Standard).

Thomist: Baby Yoda does not have a rational soul and will be annihilated at death. Therefore baptism is unnecessary.

Catholics - Baby - Yoda - Christmas - Easter

American Catholics: Try to remember to baptize Baby Yoda at Christmas or Easter.

Mormon: Baptize Baby Yoda. Baptize Old Yoda’s force ghost.

Pius - IX - Baptize - Baby - Yoda

Pius IX: Baptize Baby Yoda in secret. Then send a bounty hunter to steal Baby Yoda from Mando.

Non-Denominational Christian: Baptize Baby Yoda in the Solleu River during a short-term missions trip to Naboo. Repeat this annually or whenever Baby Yoda experiences a crisis of faith.

Dispensationalist - Charismatic - Pour - Water - Gift

Dispensationalist Charismatic: Pour “holy water” purchased from the gift shop next to the Jordan River on Baby Yoda in a ceremony indistinguishable from baptism and anoint his toes and ear lobes with oil, but call it a “dedication.”

Orthodox: Baptize Baby Yoda three times by immersion. Everyone else: Won’t that be...
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