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Ladies and gentlemen, the 4th of July is Thursday, and it’s time for me to give all of you my official party guide.
As you know, any birthday party is a big deal. America’s birthday party is the biggest deal imaginable because we’re the greatest country to ever exist, and it’d be a shame if you didn’t celebrate appropriately.
Right - Day
Let’s dive right into how you should officially celebrate the big day.
Step 1: Plan ahead.
Enough - Thing - Thursday - Morning - Gear
I can’t stress this enough. The last thing you want to be doing Thursday morning is running around trying to get all your gear together. As of Wednesday night, all your food and beer should be locked in loaded in place. Speaking of locked and loaded, go ahead and sleep with a loaded AR-15 right next to your bed Wednesday night. This will ‘send’ into Thursday with the proper pro-America mental state.
Step 2: Start the 4th with a nice shower beer.
July - Shower - Beer - America - Birthday
As soon as you get up on the 4th of July, hit the shower and crack a beer. After all, this is America’s birthday we’re talking about. You know who didn’t crack a beer to celebrate Independence Day? The Axis Powers in WWII and we all know how that ended for them.
Grab yourself a cold beer, head to the shower, get a nice steam going, hammer your beer (or two) and start the day off on correct foot. A nice shower beer to start the 4th of July will get you in the perfect spirit and get the juices flowing to celebrate.
Step - Breakfast - Music - House
Step 3: Big breakfast with patriotic music loudly playing throughout the house.
This is a big one. You’ve got a long day of drinking ahead of you, and that means you need to fuel up. Start your day with some eggs, lots and lots of bacon, a firm cup...
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