When Forgiveness Is Exhausting

(in)courage | 5/21/2019 | Staff
nallynally (Posted by) Level 4
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Most folks in my friend circle describe me as friendly, kind-hearted, encouraging, and upbeat. I concur. Generally, my hope-filled, faith-fueled drive presents as a seemingly selfless and sunny disposition.

Typically, regarding people, I believe the best and hope for the best. So much so that I’ve been asked, “How do you pretend to do that?” But honestly, I’m not faking it. Most of the time, I genuinely have a child-like outlook, which is not something I personally cultivated. I can’t take credit or share life hacks on how to obtain or maintain such a propensity. I think I am hard-wired this way.

Recesses - Point - View - Inner - Walls

Yet, in the recesses of my intrinsically positive point of view, behind the inner walls, in the rarely visited coves of my heart, I severely struggle with unforgiveness. This makes no sense to me! How can I believe the best about people, but when someone tramples on me, it’s “Bye-bye brilliant, mild-mannered Dr. David Banner. Hello, Incredible Hulk!” I become a monster transfixed on vengeance.

Several years ago, a leader in my organization called me into her office. She’d misinterpreted my actions, conjured up a crazy story, settled on concocted evidence, and was convinced I should pay a hefty price. To say I was blindsided and stunned by her false accusations would’ve been an understatement. I greatly admired and respected her and had often defended her. Thus, I was paralyzed by the perceived joy she took in tormenting me from a position of power.

Threats - Home - Sulking - Prayer - Prayer

As she spewed threats, I cried excessively. Drained, deeply wounded, and bewildered, I dragged myself home. Sulking, I began sobbing out a prayer — a prayer for REVENGE! I cried out to my gracious, kind, and merciful God to avenge me! Can you believe that? You see, my struggle to forgive those who intentionally harm me is real!...
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