Riverdale Season 3 Musical Episode Recap: Can't We Be Seventeen?

TVLine | 3/20/2019 | Dave Nemetz
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Need to catch up? Check out our previous Riverdale recap here.

Despite Hermione’s very reasonable complaints about the musical’s violent content — a cast member was murdered last year, after all — Kevin defends Heathers as an accurate portrayal of teenage angst, and demonstrates that by singing the opening song “Beautiful,” with the rest of the gang joining in. (Even Jughead!) Cheryl gives herself the role of “mythic ****” queen bee Heather Chandler, with Betty and Veronica backing her up as the other Heathers. But she gets even bitchier when Kevin introduces Toni as the show’s choreographer. (Actually, she references a classic Heathers line that I can’t print here.) The two clash right away during a rehearsal of “Candy Store,” with Cheryl ignoring Toni’s choreography before just shoving her out of the way.

Betty - Annoyed - Kevin - Evelyn - Co-director

Betty’s annoyed, too, when Kevin names Evelyn his co-director, and the Farmie quickly leads the cast in a touchy-feely spiritual exercise. Betty accuses her of using the musical as “one big recruitment drive” for The Farm, but Evelyn just smiles that cult-y smile of hers and invites everyone to a pre-show cast party, where they guzzle shots and sing “Big Fun.” She also offers Kevin a “transformative” brownie (hmmm…), which leads to him having a vision of a freshly stabbed Midge. The next day at rehearsal, Fangs confesses he’s had the same vision, and Evelyn has a way for them to cleanse themselves: She sets up a “closed rehearsal” — really more of a ceremony — where Kevin and Fangs, dressed all in white, sing “Our Love Is God” and kiss, reborn as Farmies.

Things reach a boiling point between Cheryl and Toni when Cheryl catches Toni in the halls wearing her signature color of red (gasp!): “I invented red! I am red!” Cheryl orders Toni to find a different...
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