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Depression is a monster — a foul beast that creeps into the mind and a storm that torments the soul, wreaking havoc while destroying hope. My name is April, a grateful believer in Jesus who struggles with depression and anxiety. My grandmother, my Mema, was the center of my life during my early childhood. When I was 11 years old, she died after a struggle with breast cancer. I was left trying to make sense of it all. She had told me she was going to run circles around me in the yard when she got better, and she would never lie to me, right?
I became angry with God. I hated him and openly blamed him for the cause of my pain. I questioned his existence. Why would a loving God take away one of the most important people in my life? Why would a loving God take away one of the greatest sources of joy and love I felt I had ever known? A paralyzing depression closely followed her death. It was a painful poison that slowly spread. This poison intruded my thoughts and debilitated my ability to maintain joy and happiness.
School - Fail - Bullies - Pain - Things
I was bullied in school daily without fail. Eventually I began to believe what the bullies were saying. I started believing that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t belong, and that I deserved the pain. Things got so bad, I even planned my first suicide attempt. I gave up on God, the God who hated me or didn’t exist, the God who had taken my Mema away from me. I felt alone and isolated, filled with an overflow of raw emotion and feelings I had no idea what to do with. I did not want to deal with them anymore. I wrote a poem about my desire...
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